I miss my love muffin

2012

I was reading back through my blogs (which are sadly few & far between) and I saw that my first blog of 2011 predicted the year to be full of growth & change. WOW! I couldn't have been more spot on than if I had been able to actually SEE the year.

2011 has been a complete roller coaster ride. I finished grad school, had major surgery, moved to a new apartment (while in the midst of PT and recovery), started a new job. I was of course excited to graduate, yet wondering what would happen next. I had mixed feelings about the surgery, yet hoped for it to increase my quality of life. I was unprepared for how tough the recovery would be emotionally. I'm glad I had the surgery even though it's still tough. I found out how supportive my friends were. I battled depression. I found out who my true friends were. I lost some friends this year. Other friends drew closer. I learned so much about myself this year. Some "demons" from my past tried to rear their ugly heads. I'm working to shoot them down. I had no choice to trust God almost daily this year. His provision has blown me away. I made some tough decisions this year. My heart was broken this year. In the midst of the pain and the joy, I started my dream job. Pain produces faith. It produces character. So bring it on!!!!!!!!!

I'm believing God for greater things in 2012. I believe that God is going to birth some awesome things in me this year. I'm doing things to set things up to receive them. I'm letting go of things that are holding me back. And I'm trusting God more than ever to grant the deepest desire of my heart. He knows. He says my daughter, I've got this. I finally believe Him.

The pain of change.

"When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, then you will change."

This is true I think in so many ways. Physically and spiritually. I've had so many issues with my new leg due to swelling going down and losing a good fit and yet I hate the change of getting a new leg (in addition to the cost, of course). I'm finally at the point where the pain (quite literally) of the leg is causing me to do something about it.

I've felt the same way with losing weight too. Until I'm extremely uncomfortable with the way things are, I won't put forth the effort to do something about losing weight.

And I think I'm getting there in other ways too. There are areas of my life I know and have known needed change and until I got to the point where I'm super uncomfortable/miserable with the way I am doing things, I won't put forth the effort needed to change. I have taken giant steps in the right direction over the past year and am so grateful for that, like peeling layers of an onion, more has been revealed of further work that needs to be done. It's painful & terrifying. But it's getting to the point where it's more painful not to change.

Sighhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting my stride back.

I've been in a "funk" on and off since my surgery.  Don't get me wrong, I'm super glad I got the surgery, but it's not been w/o it's struggles.  And it's brought up some discontentment with being single.  It would have been nice to have someone to go through it with me.  I wasn't around people as much and sometimes sort of on purpose.

I allowed my discontent to detract from my relationship with God.  I have SO many things to be grateful for.  I've been blessed with a wide circle of friends, an awesome job, and a good roommate situation.  And yet, I allowed the one thing I wanted and didn't have to steal my joy.

My current frustration is that I'm not walking well.  I still have to use a cane which causes many challenges with my job.  There's been so much shrinking in the limb that it hurts to walk on it.  I am working with my prosthetist, but it's a definite challenge.

Life group has really been speaking to me lately, talking about perspective, faith, answered prayer, etc.  I remembered how many prayers God HAS answered and where He's brought me.  If he answered those, He will answer other things I'm believing Him for.  He wants good things for me.  I've decided to make a concerted effort to be thankful for where I am and the things and people God has given me for right now.  For this season of my life.  I am blessed immeasurably.  Does that mean I don't have my moments? NO. I still have them.  But overall, perspective has really helped.

I'm praying that I get my stride back in all areas of my life!!!!!!!  It WILL happen!!!!

Shepherd

Psalm 23

Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need! He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He restores my failing health [mentally?]. He helps me do what {honors Him the most}. Even when walking through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid for YOU are close beside me all the way...............Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all of my life...

Such a timely word of encouragement in a time of so many changes and uncertainties. I consider myself to be a layed back individual, not prone to much anxiety, however I admit to being more anxious than usual. I'm comforted to know that I have someone walking this journey with me.

I may not know what the future hold, but I know WHO holds my future. I find my comfort in that.

Random Shmandom

I took the NCE today. It's such a long, annoying exam. 200 questions. I think I started going stir crazy around question 50. No bueno. I got tired. Fidgety. Mind wandering.

I was thinking about what I was going to do when I went home.....laundry...what was I gonna eat...do later.... Then I started thinking about graduation in 3 weeks.....what I was gonna do with my friends and family after grad......my surgery....how long would take to recover?.......what my new leg would look like.....yeah all sorts of things. I kept having to remind myself that I needed to focus on the exam and get it done and over with.

All I've got left is one final exam in Psychopharmacology. And I feel so unmotivated to study for it. Aaaaaaaaah, motivation where are you???

You are FOR me!

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never
Forsake me in my weakness

Sometimes it's just nice to know that God is there for me and won't forsake me even when I feel alone or don't have the answers for everything!

2 more weeks of internship.........yay!