I miss my love muffin

2012

I was reading back through my blogs (which are sadly few & far between) and I saw that my first blog of 2011 predicted the year to be full of growth & change. WOW! I couldn't have been more spot on than if I had been able to actually SEE the year.

2011 has been a complete roller coaster ride. I finished grad school, had major surgery, moved to a new apartment (while in the midst of PT and recovery), started a new job. I was of course excited to graduate, yet wondering what would happen next. I had mixed feelings about the surgery, yet hoped for it to increase my quality of life. I was unprepared for how tough the recovery would be emotionally. I'm glad I had the surgery even though it's still tough. I found out how supportive my friends were. I battled depression. I found out who my true friends were. I lost some friends this year. Other friends drew closer. I learned so much about myself this year. Some "demons" from my past tried to rear their ugly heads. I'm working to shoot them down. I had no choice to trust God almost daily this year. His provision has blown me away. I made some tough decisions this year. My heart was broken this year. In the midst of the pain and the joy, I started my dream job. Pain produces faith. It produces character. So bring it on!!!!!!!!!

I'm believing God for greater things in 2012. I believe that God is going to birth some awesome things in me this year. I'm doing things to set things up to receive them. I'm letting go of things that are holding me back. And I'm trusting God more than ever to grant the deepest desire of my heart. He knows. He says my daughter, I've got this. I finally believe Him.

The pain of change.

"When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, then you will change."

This is true I think in so many ways. Physically and spiritually. I've had so many issues with my new leg due to swelling going down and losing a good fit and yet I hate the change of getting a new leg (in addition to the cost, of course). I'm finally at the point where the pain (quite literally) of the leg is causing me to do something about it.

I've felt the same way with losing weight too. Until I'm extremely uncomfortable with the way things are, I won't put forth the effort to do something about losing weight.

And I think I'm getting there in other ways too. There are areas of my life I know and have known needed change and until I got to the point where I'm super uncomfortable/miserable with the way I am doing things, I won't put forth the effort needed to change. I have taken giant steps in the right direction over the past year and am so grateful for that, like peeling layers of an onion, more has been revealed of further work that needs to be done. It's painful & terrifying. But it's getting to the point where it's more painful not to change.

Sighhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting my stride back.

I've been in a "funk" on and off since my surgery.  Don't get me wrong, I'm super glad I got the surgery, but it's not been w/o it's struggles.  And it's brought up some discontentment with being single.  It would have been nice to have someone to go through it with me.  I wasn't around people as much and sometimes sort of on purpose.

I allowed my discontent to detract from my relationship with God.  I have SO many things to be grateful for.  I've been blessed with a wide circle of friends, an awesome job, and a good roommate situation.  And yet, I allowed the one thing I wanted and didn't have to steal my joy.

My current frustration is that I'm not walking well.  I still have to use a cane which causes many challenges with my job.  There's been so much shrinking in the limb that it hurts to walk on it.  I am working with my prosthetist, but it's a definite challenge.

Life group has really been speaking to me lately, talking about perspective, faith, answered prayer, etc.  I remembered how many prayers God HAS answered and where He's brought me.  If he answered those, He will answer other things I'm believing Him for.  He wants good things for me.  I've decided to make a concerted effort to be thankful for where I am and the things and people God has given me for right now.  For this season of my life.  I am blessed immeasurably.  Does that mean I don't have my moments? NO. I still have them.  But overall, perspective has really helped.

I'm praying that I get my stride back in all areas of my life!!!!!!!  It WILL happen!!!!

Shepherd

Psalm 23

Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need! He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He restores my failing health [mentally?]. He helps me do what {honors Him the most}. Even when walking through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid for YOU are close beside me all the way...............Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all of my life...

Such a timely word of encouragement in a time of so many changes and uncertainties. I consider myself to be a layed back individual, not prone to much anxiety, however I admit to being more anxious than usual. I'm comforted to know that I have someone walking this journey with me.

I may not know what the future hold, but I know WHO holds my future. I find my comfort in that.

Random Shmandom

I took the NCE today. It's such a long, annoying exam. 200 questions. I think I started going stir crazy around question 50. No bueno. I got tired. Fidgety. Mind wandering.

I was thinking about what I was going to do when I went home.....laundry...what was I gonna eat...do later.... Then I started thinking about graduation in 3 weeks.....what I was gonna do with my friends and family after grad......my surgery....how long would take to recover?.......what my new leg would look like.....yeah all sorts of things. I kept having to remind myself that I needed to focus on the exam and get it done and over with.

All I've got left is one final exam in Psychopharmacology. And I feel so unmotivated to study for it. Aaaaaaaaah, motivation where are you???

You are FOR me!

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never
Forsake me in my weakness

Sometimes it's just nice to know that God is there for me and won't forsake me even when I feel alone or don't have the answers for everything!

2 more weeks of internship.........yay!

1 less thing

So I've def felt super stressed and overwhelmed over the past week or so. Between finishing my semester, post-grad decisions, surgery, trauma trip, and of course my living situation.

The more clarity I have and things I can figure out/chip away at the better I feel. Obviously. Well last night I met with the homeowner (well her daughter) and we discussed my upcoming surgery/recover etc and she felt like it would take awhile to get the house ready to even rent out but she would know more after speaking to the property manager.

So tonight when I got home from internship/class there was the sweetest note on my table basically thanking me and expressing their appreciation for my staying here and "taking care" of the house for them. =) And then they went on to say that they would work around my recovery period and that they didn't think the house would be ready for rental till August. I may not be fully recovered and walking in a new prosthesis, however I will be recovered and can move or figure something else out at that time. The sweetest thing they wrote was that "the most important thing is that I recover in her mom's house". It was so sincere and heartfelt. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to stay here in the house I've grown to really love and recover.

I was listening to Sanctus Real a few minutes ago and these lyrics really stood out to me:

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

I know I was super frustrated a few days ago with everything that was so uncertain in my life, just wanting one part of it to be stable and feeling like the rug was being torn out from under me literally. I do want to know all of the answers RIGHT NOW and sometimes I can't. I still don't know the answers to SO many areas of my life and I'm trying to trust God and trust the process. He's really teaching me some cool things along the way. I'm excited to see what else He's got. As several of my friends have reminded me, "girl, He's got this".

Feels so good!

It feels like I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

My workload is dramatically decreasing.

I have ONE small paper to write, ONE final exam, and ONE national exam aka the NCE (National Counselor's Exam) which I take next week.

It feels good. And it's amazing how much easier it is to focus when I can kind of focus on one thing at a time.

And I'm making headway on some of my stressors/decisions about what to do after graduation.

Saying no to the trauma trip was one. And I've pretty much decided yes to the surgery minus the last minute details. I will hopefully be able to speak to the homeowners this weekend and at least know what my options are.

I've also spoken to someone about volunteering at R.E.S.P.O.N.S.E which works with sexual assault victims. It is program at the YWCA and I did my practicum at their sister program so I already have done some of the volunteer training and know some of the people within the organization. I can answer crisis hotline phone calls on my cell even from home while I'm recovering from the surgery which makes me happy because I can keep up on my skills and feel like I'm doing something toward my future career goals.

I'm laying on the couch all day in my PJ's studying but it feels relaxing. Looking forward to a bonfire with my friends tonight. :)

One Month From 2day =)

I will walk across that stage and GRADUATE with my Master's Degree. Wooo Hooo!!!!!!!

and like I said just 3 more weeks of internship.

some random fun facts from my day: my amputee friend told me that my wearing boots inspired her to get some. she said if lauri can wear them, i can wear them. i thought it was cute. and it made my day. i'm glad my fashion sense (if i dare call it that) can inspire someone else. and she inspires me in so many ways. so we co-inspire each other?

it was and is cute to see who texts me because i'm not on fb or who i text because i'm not on fb. i still think in facebook stati. like alot. so there will prob be alot of random blog postings but that's ok.

and for this last one, if you're a boy close your ears, i mean eyes. so you know you're PMSing when you go to the store and 5 out of 6 purchases involve chocolate. boys, i warned you!!

Scratch That

the Nicaragua trip that is. such a hard decision but the best one i can make right now. it wouldn't be in my best interest to be recovering from major surgery and going to meetings, raising money, etc for a trip and then spending all that money and being on crutches and not fully enjoying it. with the surgery, many more trips will be available to me and with better mobility.

and although i haven't fully decided in the surgery, i am definitely leaning in that direction. i met with an amputee friend today for lunch who i met last year at an amputee clinic. she's been through so much and has had 20 surgeries in 2 years. she had Dr. Glickman who is going to be doing this surgery and she said he is the best. she said that he wouldn't go ahead with the surgery if he did not truly feel he could accomplish what he is saying he can accomplish. she said he is compassionate and truly cares about his patients. this definitely gives me a sense of peace to know that 1). i am in good hands and 2). he wouldn't claim he could improve my quality of life with this surgery if he couldn't. and like i said before i respect the fact that he wants me to meet with a therapist to really make sure it's what i want to do. so i meet with her april 18th and i'm really looking forward to getting the ball rolling so to speak.

so i feel relieved to have made one decision even though it was hard to say no to it. my friend reminded me that although i try to be, i am not superwoman. sometimes i try to be. i wanna be a rock star (not literally). i just want to do things. make something of my life. do things. have fun. live my life. FULLY. this surgery will make me better able to do that.

and i am amazed at how God carries me every step of the week. i am scared yet feel protected. alone yet i feel supported by my friends. uncertain yet sure of so many things. i don't know what the future holds, yet i have faith for good things. sometimes i have to let go of my plans of what i want in order to get something better. i feel like i've let go/am letting go of so many things that were my plans, my dreams. i'm anticipating what God has that is even better.

~Selah.

Mr. Sunshine

So I really like this new show Mr. Sunshine that comes on ABC. It's quirky and silly and kinda dumb sometimes but I like it. Mathew Perry is completely awkward and adorable. One of my favorite kinds of guys. Not to mention funny. I need to laugh. Especially right now. Anything to divert myself from thinking of all the decisions I want to avoid making.

3 more weeks of craziness. 3 more weeks of craziness. And then there will be silence. Such a weird feeling. And relaxation. I could get used to that.

I will soon have to start making lists of things I will get to do when I don't have school or internship. But I'm too tired now.

So. Laterz!

So. Much.

I can't believe I graduate in 32 days. It feels surreal. I'm ecstatic! I am so ready to be finished at internship. I have 10 days left. YIKES!! :)

It's weird to think about not knowing how my life is going to look after May 7th.

I've talked to alot of people about the surgery. I found out I do have insurance until August 14th. I would still have to pay quite a bit out of pocket but I think it's worth it.

But then the trauma trip? It was brought to my attention by Dr. and Lady Keyes (who help head up the Trauma Team) that I could possibly still go on the trip. But then I'd have to raise $1500 on top of surgery finances. And then I don't like the thought of someone always having to carry my stuff around for me. I would LOVE to go but don't know if it's feasible. But then I have to decide by this weekend because they are purchasing tickets Monday. THE P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E!!!!!

The amount of support I have felt thus far has been mind blowing though. Friends that took time to speak into my life, people offering to help me after the surgery, my parents giving me their support and offering to help me anyway I can.

Then to add to my stress, I got a phone call from the homeowners of the house I live in who left a message stating they would like to speak to me about when I would be moving out of the house. I knew it was coming to a close, but was hoping to at least get through the surgery and into a job before that would happen.

I know God is with me, guiding my every step. My friend encouraged me that "God is in this" and indeed He has been in each and every step I have ever taken. And He's always provided for me. He is my provider. Past! Present! Future! I am trying to rest in that, but I admit to feeling anxious mostly about not knowing what is coming up! I may not know my future, but I know who holds it.

To have surgery or not to have surgery...

.....THAT is the question!!

So, I have alot of skin issusses with my stubi (stump but i don't like that word) and alot of fit issues as a result of that. They fused my heal to the end of my stubi when the amputated my leg for weight bearing purposes, but it affects the way that the leg fits and the way it stays on, etc. It's sort of hard to explain but basically the leg needs to grip or suction very well onto my stubi so it doesn't slide up and down as I walk.

I also had a very ill-fitting leg in my early twenties which caused a roll of skin that makes it even tougher for the leg to stay on well. I've been dealing with these issues for years, and it has started to affect my back and my good leg/knee negatively. I know most people think I get around very well and I definitely do, but I want more for myself. I want to be more active than I am. The leg that was made last year helped me be a big more active and I was able to lose 26 pounds but am sort of at a standstill with that.

So my prosthetist referred me to a surgeon who is really good at what he does. He feels the surgery is necessary for me to have a good fit and get around really well. He is optimistic that it would radically change my mobility and help me achieve my goals. It would involve him removing about 3 or 4 inches off of the end of my stubi (including my heel), remove the roll of skin (called an abductor roll), and remove some fatty tissue that causes alot of issues as well.

The recovery would involve 5 days inpatient for pain control and then 4-6 weeks before we could start working on a new prosthesis and then probably 2 more months before I would be walking normally again. So it's a huge commitment and decision to make. I really want the surgery, but finances are a huge issue. I don't know how long my school insurance is good through and then if it would even cover it so I'm looking into that. And then Dr. Glickman's team is concerned about my lack of having family here because of the recovery period. They've set me up with a social worker to process even some of the loss of part of the leg which sounds weird but I would be losing the heel which I've always liked having.

So I would definitely appreciate all the prayers I can get on 1). if I should get the surgery and 2). the finances for it. If I'm going to do it, this summer would be perfect timing since I'm done with school and don't have a job lined up yet. But then I wouldn't be able to deploy with the Trauma Team to Nicaragua as I was planning, but with the added quality of life I would have, more trips would be in my future which makes me smile. :) If you are still reading.....Thank YOU and please pray with me. And I'm open to any input/suggestions/advice.

Little Gems of my week

For those of you who know me well, you know I've been under intense pressure these past few weeks. And I've been struggling with some things emotionally as well. I've also been super busy and not had much time for myself, relaxation, or fun.

But there are a few gems from my week I wanted to share.

First of all, I decided to go to Winter Jam which is a Christian concert and even though I almost didn't go just because I was torn between going and having quiet relaxation at home. Well, I was so blessed and touched by the music. And experienced the sweetest moment. I was crying and my friend was hugging me and I felt another pair of arms around me and I looked down and this like 10 year old girl had wrapped her arms around me. It was the sweetest moment. I left feeling so ministered to.

Last night I hosted my Life Group at my house and it was just such a blessing to connect with friends, people I care about and who add meaning to my life. And I have felt so much support from so many friends encouraging me and just "being there for me" which means the most to me right now.

Today I saw a quote on someone's facebook that really spoke to me: "Where God leads, He always provides". I struggle with worries about finishing grad school and being successful in my field. So this was such a timely reminder of how God has been faithful in the past and He WILL be in the future.

A friend took me to lunch today and just listened to my internship frustrations and fears about graduating. It was really nice to hear validation of my fears but also encouragement of what God has put in me. And plus he finished the same program I'm in and already has his own private practice.

I know this is a season and I have faith things will get better soon.

Survey time..

My day started by hearing the sad news of the earthquake and ensuing tsunami and my heart goes out to all those affected by this tragedy.

I spent the day in trauma training, had lunch with a good friend, and spent the evening watching a chick flick and being silly with 2 good friends.

I saw this survey on a friend's blog and since I love them and she said I could, I thought I'd steal and post the survey:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? MY HAIR IS A HOT MESS.

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? MAYBE A COUPLE $1's AND SOME CHANGE.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? WHORE

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? JULIE, MY MARY KAY CONSULTANT

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? I HAVE ONE RINGTONE AND IT'S CALLED "I LOVE YOU" -- CAN'[T REMEMBER WHO SINGS IT

6. What are you wearing right now? NOT MUCH....I'M IN BED :)

7. Do you label yourself? NOT REALLY...I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT LABEL TO GIVE MYSELF.

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? NOT

9.Bright or Dark Room? ALOT OF BROWNISH COLORS

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? DON'T KNOW HER REAL WELL, BUT SHE WAS FUN IN COLLEGE :)

11. What does your watch look like? BIG AND SILVER

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? EITHER SLEEPING OR TRYING TO.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? LOVE U

14. What's a word that you say a lot? TOTALLY

15. Who told you he/she loved you last? MY BOO!

16. Last furry thing you touched? MY LEG....j/k...I HAVE NO IDEA.

17. Favourite age you have been so far? 30? I DUNNO.

18. What was the last thing you said to someone? BYE....I LOVE YOU

19.The last song you listened to? I'M LISTENING TO HALF OF MY HEART...JOHN MAYER

20. Where did you live in 1987? WITH MY PARENTS.

21. Are you jealous of anyone? NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

22. Is anyone jealous of you? I SINCERELY DOUBT IT.

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times? PHONE. LIP GLOSS. DEBIT CARD.

24. What’s your favourite town/city? GREENVILLE, SC.

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? I SENT A CARD TO A FRIEND A FEW WEEKS AGO

26. Can you change the oil on a car? ISN'T THAT WHAT BOYS ARE FOR?

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? WE RECONNECTED RECENTLY. HA.

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? YEAH KINDA... :(

29.What is your current desktop picture? MY SISTAS. I MISS 'EM.

30. Have you been burnt by love? UM, WELL, I THINK YOU NEVER LOSE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE. HAVE I BEEN HURT? SURE, BUT IT'S A RISK WORTH TAKING...

Reflections on Spring Break

Spring Break was AWESOMENESS!!!!

And it had better would have been since it's my LAST one! *tear*

I did sleep in almost every day. I did stay in my PJ's till AT LEAST noon almost every day!

I spontaneously decided to make a quick trip to DC to see

my friend Meredith for a brief day and a half. We celebrated her belated 30th birthday, got manis, went to a movie, and spent 3 hours at Red Lobster eating and catching up on girl talk!

One day I spent a couple of hours outside on the patio of Starbucks drinking coffee and reading books. :)

I painted pottery with my friend Ann and my cousin Kira one day. That was fun and relaxing!!

So it was a nice and relaxing week, kind of productive, and I got to spend time with friends and people I care about.

Ughhhh!!

This wasn't supposed to happen.

But it did.

It is happening.

Now what?!?

Francesca Battistelli - I'm Letting Go

I'm letting go....

of the life I planned for me.

It's kinda hard to admit, but I had all these great plans for my life. ya know? The things I wanted. Who I would date. How that would happen. When I would marry. Where I would live. The kind of job I would have.

But that's not exactly how things went down. Not that they ever really have in my life. My life seems to be anything but conventional. I don't seem to do things on any type of normal time-table. I mean here I am finishing grad school in my mid-thirties and getting ready to start a career.

When I moved to Va Beach almost 3 years ago (wow) that's sort of what I was doing....letting go of my plans....letting go....terrified of what would happen next. And I've really been thinking lately of all the things I let go of to move here that I thought were important to me. And I can honestly say that God's given me so much more than I ever expected. Friendships, confidence, growth, a circle of friends, exposure to so many different experiences, and so much more!

The more I grow in my faith the more plans of my own I realize I need to give over to God. I fought with may of them for so long, but when I finally give them to God, He always gives me something way better than what I thought I wanted/needed. It's getting sort of fun actually. It's still not always easy...letting go...it doesn't come easy for sure. But I am loving the outcome of seeing what God gives me instead. I'm starting to embrace my unconventional life. :)