The pain of change.

"When the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, then you will change."

This is true I think in so many ways. Physically and spiritually. I've had so many issues with my new leg due to swelling going down and losing a good fit and yet I hate the change of getting a new leg (in addition to the cost, of course). I'm finally at the point where the pain (quite literally) of the leg is causing me to do something about it.

I've felt the same way with losing weight too. Until I'm extremely uncomfortable with the way things are, I won't put forth the effort to do something about losing weight.

And I think I'm getting there in other ways too. There are areas of my life I know and have known needed change and until I got to the point where I'm super uncomfortable/miserable with the way I am doing things, I won't put forth the effort needed to change. I have taken giant steps in the right direction over the past year and am so grateful for that, like peeling layers of an onion, more has been revealed of further work that needs to be done. It's painful & terrifying. But it's getting to the point where it's more painful not to change.

Sighhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting my stride back.

I've been in a "funk" on and off since my surgery.  Don't get me wrong, I'm super glad I got the surgery, but it's not been w/o it's struggles.  And it's brought up some discontentment with being single.  It would have been nice to have someone to go through it with me.  I wasn't around people as much and sometimes sort of on purpose.

I allowed my discontent to detract from my relationship with God.  I have SO many things to be grateful for.  I've been blessed with a wide circle of friends, an awesome job, and a good roommate situation.  And yet, I allowed the one thing I wanted and didn't have to steal my joy.

My current frustration is that I'm not walking well.  I still have to use a cane which causes many challenges with my job.  There's been so much shrinking in the limb that it hurts to walk on it.  I am working with my prosthetist, but it's a definite challenge.

Life group has really been speaking to me lately, talking about perspective, faith, answered prayer, etc.  I remembered how many prayers God HAS answered and where He's brought me.  If he answered those, He will answer other things I'm believing Him for.  He wants good things for me.  I've decided to make a concerted effort to be thankful for where I am and the things and people God has given me for right now.  For this season of my life.  I am blessed immeasurably.  Does that mean I don't have my moments? NO. I still have them.  But overall, perspective has really helped.

I'm praying that I get my stride back in all areas of my life!!!!!!!  It WILL happen!!!!

Shepherd

Psalm 23

Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need! He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He restores my failing health [mentally?]. He helps me do what {honors Him the most}. Even when walking through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid for YOU are close beside me all the way...............Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all of my life...

Such a timely word of encouragement in a time of so many changes and uncertainties. I consider myself to be a layed back individual, not prone to much anxiety, however I admit to being more anxious than usual. I'm comforted to know that I have someone walking this journey with me.

I may not know what the future hold, but I know WHO holds my future. I find my comfort in that.

Random Shmandom

I took the NCE today. It's such a long, annoying exam. 200 questions. I think I started going stir crazy around question 50. No bueno. I got tired. Fidgety. Mind wandering.

I was thinking about what I was going to do when I went home.....laundry...what was I gonna eat...do later.... Then I started thinking about graduation in 3 weeks.....what I was gonna do with my friends and family after grad......my surgery....how long would take to recover?.......what my new leg would look like.....yeah all sorts of things. I kept having to remind myself that I needed to focus on the exam and get it done and over with.

All I've got left is one final exam in Psychopharmacology. And I feel so unmotivated to study for it. Aaaaaaaaah, motivation where are you???

You are FOR me!

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never
Forsake me in my weakness

Sometimes it's just nice to know that God is there for me and won't forsake me even when I feel alone or don't have the answers for everything!

2 more weeks of internship.........yay!

1 less thing

So I've def felt super stressed and overwhelmed over the past week or so. Between finishing my semester, post-grad decisions, surgery, trauma trip, and of course my living situation.

The more clarity I have and things I can figure out/chip away at the better I feel. Obviously. Well last night I met with the homeowner (well her daughter) and we discussed my upcoming surgery/recover etc and she felt like it would take awhile to get the house ready to even rent out but she would know more after speaking to the property manager.

So tonight when I got home from internship/class there was the sweetest note on my table basically thanking me and expressing their appreciation for my staying here and "taking care" of the house for them. =) And then they went on to say that they would work around my recovery period and that they didn't think the house would be ready for rental till August. I may not be fully recovered and walking in a new prosthesis, however I will be recovered and can move or figure something else out at that time. The sweetest thing they wrote was that "the most important thing is that I recover in her mom's house". It was so sincere and heartfelt. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to stay here in the house I've grown to really love and recover.

I was listening to Sanctus Real a few minutes ago and these lyrics really stood out to me:

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

I know I was super frustrated a few days ago with everything that was so uncertain in my life, just wanting one part of it to be stable and feeling like the rug was being torn out from under me literally. I do want to know all of the answers RIGHT NOW and sometimes I can't. I still don't know the answers to SO many areas of my life and I'm trying to trust God and trust the process. He's really teaching me some cool things along the way. I'm excited to see what else He's got. As several of my friends have reminded me, "girl, He's got this".

Feels so good!

It feels like I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

My workload is dramatically decreasing.

I have ONE small paper to write, ONE final exam, and ONE national exam aka the NCE (National Counselor's Exam) which I take next week.

It feels good. And it's amazing how much easier it is to focus when I can kind of focus on one thing at a time.

And I'm making headway on some of my stressors/decisions about what to do after graduation.

Saying no to the trauma trip was one. And I've pretty much decided yes to the surgery minus the last minute details. I will hopefully be able to speak to the homeowners this weekend and at least know what my options are.

I've also spoken to someone about volunteering at R.E.S.P.O.N.S.E which works with sexual assault victims. It is program at the YWCA and I did my practicum at their sister program so I already have done some of the volunteer training and know some of the people within the organization. I can answer crisis hotline phone calls on my cell even from home while I'm recovering from the surgery which makes me happy because I can keep up on my skills and feel like I'm doing something toward my future career goals.

I'm laying on the couch all day in my PJ's studying but it feels relaxing. Looking forward to a bonfire with my friends tonight. :)