To have surgery or not to have surgery...

.....THAT is the question!!

So, I have alot of skin issusses with my stubi (stump but i don't like that word) and alot of fit issues as a result of that. They fused my heal to the end of my stubi when the amputated my leg for weight bearing purposes, but it affects the way that the leg fits and the way it stays on, etc. It's sort of hard to explain but basically the leg needs to grip or suction very well onto my stubi so it doesn't slide up and down as I walk.

I also had a very ill-fitting leg in my early twenties which caused a roll of skin that makes it even tougher for the leg to stay on well. I've been dealing with these issues for years, and it has started to affect my back and my good leg/knee negatively. I know most people think I get around very well and I definitely do, but I want more for myself. I want to be more active than I am. The leg that was made last year helped me be a big more active and I was able to lose 26 pounds but am sort of at a standstill with that.

So my prosthetist referred me to a surgeon who is really good at what he does. He feels the surgery is necessary for me to have a good fit and get around really well. He is optimistic that it would radically change my mobility and help me achieve my goals. It would involve him removing about 3 or 4 inches off of the end of my stubi (including my heel), remove the roll of skin (called an abductor roll), and remove some fatty tissue that causes alot of issues as well.

The recovery would involve 5 days inpatient for pain control and then 4-6 weeks before we could start working on a new prosthesis and then probably 2 more months before I would be walking normally again. So it's a huge commitment and decision to make. I really want the surgery, but finances are a huge issue. I don't know how long my school insurance is good through and then if it would even cover it so I'm looking into that. And then Dr. Glickman's team is concerned about my lack of having family here because of the recovery period. They've set me up with a social worker to process even some of the loss of part of the leg which sounds weird but I would be losing the heel which I've always liked having.

So I would definitely appreciate all the prayers I can get on 1). if I should get the surgery and 2). the finances for it. If I'm going to do it, this summer would be perfect timing since I'm done with school and don't have a job lined up yet. But then I wouldn't be able to deploy with the Trauma Team to Nicaragua as I was planning, but with the added quality of life I would have, more trips would be in my future which makes me smile. :) If you are still reading.....Thank YOU and please pray with me. And I'm open to any input/suggestions/advice.

Little Gems of my week

For those of you who know me well, you know I've been under intense pressure these past few weeks. And I've been struggling with some things emotionally as well. I've also been super busy and not had much time for myself, relaxation, or fun.

But there are a few gems from my week I wanted to share.

First of all, I decided to go to Winter Jam which is a Christian concert and even though I almost didn't go just because I was torn between going and having quiet relaxation at home. Well, I was so blessed and touched by the music. And experienced the sweetest moment. I was crying and my friend was hugging me and I felt another pair of arms around me and I looked down and this like 10 year old girl had wrapped her arms around me. It was the sweetest moment. I left feeling so ministered to.

Last night I hosted my Life Group at my house and it was just such a blessing to connect with friends, people I care about and who add meaning to my life. And I have felt so much support from so many friends encouraging me and just "being there for me" which means the most to me right now.

Today I saw a quote on someone's facebook that really spoke to me: "Where God leads, He always provides". I struggle with worries about finishing grad school and being successful in my field. So this was such a timely reminder of how God has been faithful in the past and He WILL be in the future.

A friend took me to lunch today and just listened to my internship frustrations and fears about graduating. It was really nice to hear validation of my fears but also encouragement of what God has put in me. And plus he finished the same program I'm in and already has his own private practice.

I know this is a season and I have faith things will get better soon.

Survey time..

My day started by hearing the sad news of the earthquake and ensuing tsunami and my heart goes out to all those affected by this tragedy.

I spent the day in trauma training, had lunch with a good friend, and spent the evening watching a chick flick and being silly with 2 good friends.

I saw this survey on a friend's blog and since I love them and she said I could, I thought I'd steal and post the survey:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? MY HAIR IS A HOT MESS.

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now? MAYBE A COUPLE $1's AND SOME CHANGE.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR? WHORE

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? JULIE, MY MARY KAY CONSULTANT

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone? I HAVE ONE RINGTONE AND IT'S CALLED "I LOVE YOU" -- CAN'[T REMEMBER WHO SINGS IT

6. What are you wearing right now? NOT MUCH....I'M IN BED :)

7. Do you label yourself? NOT REALLY...I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT LABEL TO GIVE MYSELF.

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? NOT

9.Bright or Dark Room? ALOT OF BROWNISH COLORS

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? DON'T KNOW HER REAL WELL, BUT SHE WAS FUN IN COLLEGE :)

11. What does your watch look like? BIG AND SILVER

12. What were you doing at midnight last night? EITHER SLEEPING OR TRYING TO.

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? LOVE U

14. What's a word that you say a lot? TOTALLY

15. Who told you he/she loved you last? MY BOO!

16. Last furry thing you touched? MY LEG....j/k...I HAVE NO IDEA.

17. Favourite age you have been so far? 30? I DUNNO.

18. What was the last thing you said to someone? BYE....I LOVE YOU

19.The last song you listened to? I'M LISTENING TO HALF OF MY HEART...JOHN MAYER

20. Where did you live in 1987? WITH MY PARENTS.

21. Are you jealous of anyone? NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

22. Is anyone jealous of you? I SINCERELY DOUBT IT.

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times? PHONE. LIP GLOSS. DEBIT CARD.

24. What’s your favourite town/city? GREENVILLE, SC.

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? I SENT A CARD TO A FRIEND A FEW WEEKS AGO

26. Can you change the oil on a car? ISN'T THAT WHAT BOYS ARE FOR?

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? WE RECONNECTED RECENTLY. HA.

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? YEAH KINDA... :(

29.What is your current desktop picture? MY SISTAS. I MISS 'EM.

30. Have you been burnt by love? UM, WELL, I THINK YOU NEVER LOSE WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE. HAVE I BEEN HURT? SURE, BUT IT'S A RISK WORTH TAKING...

Reflections on Spring Break

Spring Break was AWESOMENESS!!!!

And it had better would have been since it's my LAST one! *tear*

I did sleep in almost every day. I did stay in my PJ's till AT LEAST noon almost every day!

I spontaneously decided to make a quick trip to DC to see

my friend Meredith for a brief day and a half. We celebrated her belated 30th birthday, got manis, went to a movie, and spent 3 hours at Red Lobster eating and catching up on girl talk!

One day I spent a couple of hours outside on the patio of Starbucks drinking coffee and reading books. :)

I painted pottery with my friend Ann and my cousin Kira one day. That was fun and relaxing!!

So it was a nice and relaxing week, kind of productive, and I got to spend time with friends and people I care about.

Ughhhh!!

This wasn't supposed to happen.

But it did.

It is happening.

Now what?!?

Francesca Battistelli - I'm Letting Go

I'm letting go....

of the life I planned for me.

It's kinda hard to admit, but I had all these great plans for my life. ya know? The things I wanted. Who I would date. How that would happen. When I would marry. Where I would live. The kind of job I would have.

But that's not exactly how things went down. Not that they ever really have in my life. My life seems to be anything but conventional. I don't seem to do things on any type of normal time-table. I mean here I am finishing grad school in my mid-thirties and getting ready to start a career.

When I moved to Va Beach almost 3 years ago (wow) that's sort of what I was doing....letting go of my plans....letting go....terrified of what would happen next. And I've really been thinking lately of all the things I let go of to move here that I thought were important to me. And I can honestly say that God's given me so much more than I ever expected. Friendships, confidence, growth, a circle of friends, exposure to so many different experiences, and so much more!

The more I grow in my faith the more plans of my own I realize I need to give over to God. I fought with may of them for so long, but when I finally give them to God, He always gives me something way better than what I thought I wanted/needed. It's getting sort of fun actually. It's still not always easy...letting go...it doesn't come easy for sure. But I am loving the outcome of seeing what God gives me instead. I'm starting to embrace my unconventional life. :)