My heart is so full.......

............of lOv3!!!!

I love seeing things I have prayed for years for coming true. I can't remember how long I have prayed for a group of single people to be friends with, enjoy life with, and grow spiritually with. I have finally found it. It feels like my heart is finally HOME!

Saturday night as I hosted my Life Group friends after church and saw the crowd of people milling about, eating snacks, making themselves at home, chattering about their week, playing games, and laughing a tear came to my eye as I realized this is what I have always wanted. These people know me. They know my flaws and they love me anyway. They encourage me when I am struggling. They pray with me when I need it. They rejoice with me when I am happy about something. They challenge me in my faith and to reach my goals. They are genuine and real. They love God and they love to have fun.

I can't believe how many wonderful things have happened to me in the 2 years and 4 months I have lived here. I have met so many wonderful people. I have faced so many of my fears and come out stronger for it. I have had so much fun. And joy. I almost have my master's degree. I've learned who my real friends are. I have become more okay with myself. I have learned something from every wonderful person I have met. I have learned to let people in. To let them see the real me. To be ok with not being ok sometimes. To sit with my unpleasant emotions. To celebrate life.

I love life!!!!! I can't wait to see what is next.

Why am I blogging???

And the obvious answer to that would be.....so I don't have to actually work.

I've got a ton of work to do and no desire (of course) to do any of it.

This week looks like:

1. Internship 3 days
2. Working one evening and Saturday morning
3. Class tonight
4. A meeting for a presentation Wed night
5. Cramming for said presentation meeting
6. The start to a new Life Group semester Thursday night
7. A bit of studying with friends on Friday which will be a highlight.
8. Hopefully something fun Friday night

There needs to be more fun incorporated into this week. It feels kind of over-whelming right now honestly. It's really hard trying to juggle it all. Work. School. Internship. Friends. Church. Sleep. Exercise. Fun. I guess this is life though. And now I'm starting to put into practice all the things I have been learning about in school and quite frankly, it's terrifying.

This week

L-O-O-M-S

I really have NOT wanted this week to start. It looks long and foreboding somehow. Probably because I don't feel good. Then I've got so much reading for one class and a paper due in the other one and I said I would work tomorrow all day on my day off where I usually would get things done.

But then I read in my devotions that I'm supposed to stay positive. I'm tryin' God I really am, but right now I just feel blah. I like being in school, I just don't like when it takes over my life. :-) It's just hard getting everything done.

Things to look forward to: (because this always brings a smile)

1. Sleeping in Thursday
2. Maybe going to Ocean City, MD on Saturday
3. Strawberry Festival Sunday
4. Memorial Day fun with friends

Ok, now I can conquer my week. Thank you Jesus for your love & encouragement.

Refreshing Breezes

After a day of studying, I decided at the last minute to go to the beach with a friend and take in a concert and orange crushes. It was such a nice evening! We ate some appetizers, drank orange crushes, and chatted with the cover-band playing in the background.

We walked down to the ocean and watched the waves crash up against the sand. It was the most beautiful and relaxing experience. I feel so blessed to live in an area where I can live 20 minutes from such beauty.

Much as the breezes and water were refreshing, I feel like some refreshing breezes are happening in my heart. I am trying to separate myself from some unhealthy behaviors and relationships and replace them with healthier behaviors and relationships. I have a long way to go, but I like the progress I'm seeing. I like the lighter feeling in my heart. I love the new friends God is bringing into my life.

And back in Summer School

My week off between semesties and with my family F-L-E-W by as I knew it would. It seemed there was one party after another. Sister's graduation followed by an evening of partying with the family. Our partying consists of eating out and enjoying an evening of go-carts and arcades at Frankie's Fun Park. My lovely niece celebrated her 6th birthday while I was there. Sunday was mom's day where all the non-moms planned, cooked, and served lunch to all the moms. I told my sister I'm glad moms only get one day off because it was alot of work. Obviously I am not a mom. But it was fun. And just when I thought I was "caked" out there was one last cake to celebrate my sister-in-laws birthday. It was a fun week of sleeping in, squishing my nieces and nephew, seeing friends, and relishing in my crazy beautiful family. I even managed to scorch my skin complete w/ 2nd degree burns. Yes, it's true....at 32 years of age I still somehow think I won't need sunscreen. I dunno...! But it was excruciatingly painful and I'm left looking like I have leprosy now. Ha.

I came to the realization (as I have at previous visits) that my home is not there anymore. I missed my friends and life here and was so happy to come back. Even to the madness of school. Because it's MY madness. MY house. MY life. And I love it.

And since I've been back here I have hit the ground r-u-n-n-i-n-g! I arrived at 3:15 am and had class @ 1:00. Definitely felt unprepared for a 7 hr stint in class. Going to sleep @ 4am when not used to it, makes one feel strange for a few days. So far, I enjoy my summer classes.

Another semester comes to a close!

And I can say I will not miss this semester one bit. It was tough. It was challenging. It was so much work. So much busy work. And projects that required working with other classmates. Watching different personalities come together to get a job done! Causing friction sometimes. Bringing emotions to the fringe. But I can honestly say it brought growth as well. And we got the job done!

And Jesus has done a work in my heart. I love it. I love that He's so patient with me. Love it. I love how He brings friends and situations in our lives that challenge us and ultimately bring us closer to Himself.

In addition to being excited about the end of a semester, I'm so so excited to go home. My family has grown so much over the last 2 years. I almost can't believe it. Things I'm excited about doing when I get home:

1. Squishing my nieces and nephew
2. Seeing my love muffin
3. Maybe seeing a friend from HS
4. Hanging with my girl Emsie
5. Eating mom's amazing food
6. Manis and Pedis with the ladies
7. Hanging out with some friends I didn't get to see in awhile
8. Visiting my church
9. Just being lazy for a week
10. Driving 7 hours! Yes I like driving!

But before these things can happen I've got to conquer one last exam, get through 3 days of work, and enjoy part of a weekend here.

I'M EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears

Tears are healing. It's hard to cry sometimes. To let someone know you are sad enough to cry. It makes you feel vulnerable and weak. You can't pretend everything is okay when tears are rolling down your face and falling to the ground. But it also feels good to cry. It feels good to let someone know you're not okay. To let someone validate your pain.

Someone crying WITH you when you're in pain. That is the epitome of love. That validates your pain. It lets you know they truly get it. When they feel your pain. You know it's real and not imagined. That its okay to be in pain. That your pain is warranted. Thank you for crying with me, friend. Thank you for feeling my pain. For validating my hurt. For not being afraid of my pain, but for sitting with me in it. Next to extreme joy, it's one of the greatest feelings in the world.

Dear God....

I'm mad at you!

-me

Dear God.

My heart is sad.

Me.

Weekend Roomie

So it's the end of the semesty. I have 3 papers, 3 exams, and 2 presentations left. Grant it one of the presentations we don't have actually present, just prepare the powerpoint and submit it. So glad I won't have to get up in front of the class yet another time.

I have a roomie for the weekend. My friend Rachel from work has a roommate who's hubbs is in the Navy and he's home for a few days so she came to stay with me for the weekend! It's been fun. We walked today for about a mile then cooked spaghetti, drank wine, and watched a movie. Such fun. I miss having someone to come home to. Someone to talk the day over with. Someone who would miss me if I wasn't here.

Changes

Spring is here! Spring brings new things and change. Flowers bloom. Birds sing. Warm breezes flow. People appear on the beach. Spirits lift. Spring is always so refreshing after a long cold winter. It is a welcome respite for people who have felt trapped by the winter. Spring brings anticipation, excitement, and hope that the cold and dark of winter will be gone.

I feel like my heart is coming out of a long winter of desolation and death. Shattered dreams. Unfulfilled desires. It is springtime in my heart. God is doing something. Changing things. I don't know what's going to happen and that's the beauty of it. I have a new love for life. An anticipation that there will be good things in the future. I have hope that things can change. That I can change. There is an excitement that the cold and dark of my winter is gone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finished physical therapy yesterday after 3 months. I've gotten used to my new leg, I've made so much progress with it. I feel so much more confident in my walking. I can't wait to go out dancing with my new friend! I really hope these last few weeks of school don't kill me. There is so much work to do and so little motivation to do it.

*Courage*

Courage is defined as "bravery, fortitude, and intrepidity. It's the ability to fight fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

I picked up a book last night to read and found this quote. I love it. The symptoms and the illness are not the same thing. The illness exists long before the symptoms. Rather than being the illness, the symptoms are the beginning of its cures. The fact that they are unwanted makes them all the more a phenomenon of grace -- a gift of God, a message from the unconscious, if you will, to initiate self-examination and repair." ~ M. Scott Peck.

It takes courage to make changes. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It takes courage to cry in the middle of Panera. It takes courage to admit you don't have it all together. It takes courage to be real in front of people and not care what they think. It takes courage to be a freaking hot mess and be okay with your mess. I'm tired of being afraid of everything.....of not being free. I'm grateful to have met more than a handful of friends who I can be real with. Who love me enough to be honest with me. Who value me. Who are ok with and can sit with me in my junk. I feel loved. That gives me courage.

The truth HURTS

I am so blessed for friends who love me enough to show me things about myself that hurt. Things that are hard to hear. Things that God's been speaking to my heart, but I've been stuffing. I'm good at stuffing. Sometimes I can't process what's going on inside me. Sometimes I don't want to. I'm sick of shattered dreams. I'm tired of trying to do everything myself. I want to let God take control, but that means I have to release control. I don't know if I can do that. I can, but I don't know how. Is all. I'm exhausted. I need sleep. God, show me what you put inside me. Show me how I can be a better friend and counselor. Show me how to love like you do. Show me your heart. Break my heart with what breaks yours.

An unexpected day off leads to.....

1. Sleeping In cuz let's be real...I needed it!! It was so nice to sleep in TWO days in a row. Working grad students don't get to sleep in a whole lot so I enjoyed it.
2. A walk out side on a GORGEOUS spring day...followed by an attempt to lift weights in front of the TV...pah hah. But it felt good to make an attempt so yeah...
3. Extra coffee and Jesus time....cause that's a good start to the day.
4. And some much needed time to work on my Community program thing-a-ma-jig!! Let's face it...I've been procrastinating.

This week was tough. Friends who are very dear to me were going through a tough time and I couldn't be there. Part of me feels like a bad friend for putting school obligations first, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. It was hard. So hence the unexpected two days off of work because my boss so graciously cleared my schedule at work and I decided to use them for some self-care and I'm SO GLAD I did.

A cute story about my neice from my mom. So, I call her my love muffin and she's 3 so I didn't think she noticed. But her mom said you're my love muffin and she said emphatically you can't call me love muffin, I'm aunt Lauri's love muffin. It melted my heart.

T-R-U-S-T --- it's such a short word but it has such big meanings. It takes awhile for someone to earn your trust. It can be shattered in an instant. It will take even longer if ever for it to be earned again. I'm trying to trust God with my life, love, my needs, my desires....my heart! It's not easy.

Spring Break Randomness....

WARNING: This blog contains very random thoughts -- this may be offensive to some people. Enter at your own risk.

I'm bored with my hair. I want something different. I've enjoyed growing it out, but miss my short hair sometimes.....it's flirty and fun. But I don't want to cut it off. Just want a funn-er version of what I got!

Spring Break is such a nice respite from the daily grind of going to school AND work. I did not go anywhere this spring break as I just wanted to stay home, get some things done, hang out with some friends, and R-E-L-A-X!! I think I've accomplished that!!

What I've done so far on Spring Break:

-- Saturday night: I went out with some girls from work.

--Sunday went to lunch with a friend, went grocery shopping with her and then relaxed.

--Monday I got to participate in Old Dominion University's physical therapy class's practicals. They needed amputees to evaluate. It was a neat-o experience and I made a new friend who's a below knee amputee. Spent the day shopping which I rarely get to do. I was excited to find a fun piece to put in my living room when I re-decorate it.

--Tuesday I had my first internship interview where I got offered a position but not sure I want to take it. It's my back-up plan. My physical therapist took me to meet another girl in the area who is an above knee amputee. She was so fun. I'm so excited about hanging out with my new friends. Met with girls from class to work on a project @ PANERA, got a massage, and finished the day by watching Avatar in 3D in my jammies with a blanket -- and YES I was in the theater. It was superb!!!!!

-- Wednesday!! Today is my favorite day of all because I am going nowhere! Stayed in bed until noon. Drinking coffee and curled up on my chair with nothing to do on this rainy day but relax and watch movies. Tonight going to hang out with my friend. We are going to gossip about boys (ahem!), eat pancakes, and knit. I can't wait!!!!!!

Then it's back to work for the rest of the week. Going to see "Vagina Monologues" this weekend!

I want to re-decorate my living room. Got to get my couch moved into this room 1st -- that should be fun.

I miss my family. I feel like I don't talk to them very much anymore. We are all busy I know. And the older get I dislike talking on the phone more. I am turning into my mother.

If you're still reading....have a fabulous rainy Wednesday. I'm going to go watch a movie BECAUSE I CAN!!! Told ya this was random. But these are [some of] my thoughts!!

It's the little things....

......that really make your day!!

The past few weeks have been rough. This semester has been hard already. I've felt behind and group projects have been stressing me out. My group turned in a huge research proposal last night and that feels so good.

I feel closer to reaching some personal goals. I got a new prosthesis in January so it's been a journey getting used to it but PT has been an amazing resource of not only learning how to walk properly but I'm making important connections with folks who can walk this journey with me but provide me w/ resources to becoming more active again!!

Now....next project......MID-TERMS!!

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels like your day hits you on all sides all at the same time.

This is happening to a friend of mine today!