Random Shmandom

I took the NCE today. It's such a long, annoying exam. 200 questions. I think I started going stir crazy around question 50. No bueno. I got tired. Fidgety. Mind wandering.

I was thinking about what I was going to do when I went home.....laundry...what was I gonna eat...do later.... Then I started thinking about graduation in 3 weeks.....what I was gonna do with my friends and family after grad......my surgery....how long would take to recover?.......what my new leg would look like.....yeah all sorts of things. I kept having to remind myself that I needed to focus on the exam and get it done and over with.

All I've got left is one final exam in Psychopharmacology. And I feel so unmotivated to study for it. Aaaaaaaaah, motivation where are you???

You are FOR me!

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never
Forsake me in my weakness

Sometimes it's just nice to know that God is there for me and won't forsake me even when I feel alone or don't have the answers for everything!

2 more weeks of internship.........yay!

1 less thing

So I've def felt super stressed and overwhelmed over the past week or so. Between finishing my semester, post-grad decisions, surgery, trauma trip, and of course my living situation.

The more clarity I have and things I can figure out/chip away at the better I feel. Obviously. Well last night I met with the homeowner (well her daughter) and we discussed my upcoming surgery/recover etc and she felt like it would take awhile to get the house ready to even rent out but she would know more after speaking to the property manager.

So tonight when I got home from internship/class there was the sweetest note on my table basically thanking me and expressing their appreciation for my staying here and "taking care" of the house for them. =) And then they went on to say that they would work around my recovery period and that they didn't think the house would be ready for rental till August. I may not be fully recovered and walking in a new prosthesis, however I will be recovered and can move or figure something else out at that time. The sweetest thing they wrote was that "the most important thing is that I recover in her mom's house". It was so sincere and heartfelt. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to stay here in the house I've grown to really love and recover.

I was listening to Sanctus Real a few minutes ago and these lyrics really stood out to me:

And I wonder why
Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find
I wanna know all the answers
But I’m learning that
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time

I know I was super frustrated a few days ago with everything that was so uncertain in my life, just wanting one part of it to be stable and feeling like the rug was being torn out from under me literally. I do want to know all of the answers RIGHT NOW and sometimes I can't. I still don't know the answers to SO many areas of my life and I'm trying to trust God and trust the process. He's really teaching me some cool things along the way. I'm excited to see what else He's got. As several of my friends have reminded me, "girl, He's got this".

Feels so good!

It feels like I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

My workload is dramatically decreasing.

I have ONE small paper to write, ONE final exam, and ONE national exam aka the NCE (National Counselor's Exam) which I take next week.

It feels good. And it's amazing how much easier it is to focus when I can kind of focus on one thing at a time.

And I'm making headway on some of my stressors/decisions about what to do after graduation.

Saying no to the trauma trip was one. And I've pretty much decided yes to the surgery minus the last minute details. I will hopefully be able to speak to the homeowners this weekend and at least know what my options are.

I've also spoken to someone about volunteering at R.E.S.P.O.N.S.E which works with sexual assault victims. It is program at the YWCA and I did my practicum at their sister program so I already have done some of the volunteer training and know some of the people within the organization. I can answer crisis hotline phone calls on my cell even from home while I'm recovering from the surgery which makes me happy because I can keep up on my skills and feel like I'm doing something toward my future career goals.

I'm laying on the couch all day in my PJ's studying but it feels relaxing. Looking forward to a bonfire with my friends tonight. :)

One Month From 2day =)

I will walk across that stage and GRADUATE with my Master's Degree. Wooo Hooo!!!!!!!

and like I said just 3 more weeks of internship.

some random fun facts from my day: my amputee friend told me that my wearing boots inspired her to get some. she said if lauri can wear them, i can wear them. i thought it was cute. and it made my day. i'm glad my fashion sense (if i dare call it that) can inspire someone else. and she inspires me in so many ways. so we co-inspire each other?

it was and is cute to see who texts me because i'm not on fb or who i text because i'm not on fb. i still think in facebook stati. like alot. so there will prob be alot of random blog postings but that's ok.

and for this last one, if you're a boy close your ears, i mean eyes. so you know you're PMSing when you go to the store and 5 out of 6 purchases involve chocolate. boys, i warned you!!

Scratch That

the Nicaragua trip that is. such a hard decision but the best one i can make right now. it wouldn't be in my best interest to be recovering from major surgery and going to meetings, raising money, etc for a trip and then spending all that money and being on crutches and not fully enjoying it. with the surgery, many more trips will be available to me and with better mobility.

and although i haven't fully decided in the surgery, i am definitely leaning in that direction. i met with an amputee friend today for lunch who i met last year at an amputee clinic. she's been through so much and has had 20 surgeries in 2 years. she had Dr. Glickman who is going to be doing this surgery and she said he is the best. she said that he wouldn't go ahead with the surgery if he did not truly feel he could accomplish what he is saying he can accomplish. she said he is compassionate and truly cares about his patients. this definitely gives me a sense of peace to know that 1). i am in good hands and 2). he wouldn't claim he could improve my quality of life with this surgery if he couldn't. and like i said before i respect the fact that he wants me to meet with a therapist to really make sure it's what i want to do. so i meet with her april 18th and i'm really looking forward to getting the ball rolling so to speak.

so i feel relieved to have made one decision even though it was hard to say no to it. my friend reminded me that although i try to be, i am not superwoman. sometimes i try to be. i wanna be a rock star (not literally). i just want to do things. make something of my life. do things. have fun. live my life. FULLY. this surgery will make me better able to do that.

and i am amazed at how God carries me every step of the week. i am scared yet feel protected. alone yet i feel supported by my friends. uncertain yet sure of so many things. i don't know what the future holds, yet i have faith for good things. sometimes i have to let go of my plans of what i want in order to get something better. i feel like i've let go/am letting go of so many things that were my plans, my dreams. i'm anticipating what God has that is even better.

~Selah.

Mr. Sunshine

So I really like this new show Mr. Sunshine that comes on ABC. It's quirky and silly and kinda dumb sometimes but I like it. Mathew Perry is completely awkward and adorable. One of my favorite kinds of guys. Not to mention funny. I need to laugh. Especially right now. Anything to divert myself from thinking of all the decisions I want to avoid making.

3 more weeks of craziness. 3 more weeks of craziness. And then there will be silence. Such a weird feeling. And relaxation. I could get used to that.

I will soon have to start making lists of things I will get to do when I don't have school or internship. But I'm too tired now.

So. Laterz!

So. Much.

I can't believe I graduate in 32 days. It feels surreal. I'm ecstatic! I am so ready to be finished at internship. I have 10 days left. YIKES!! :)

It's weird to think about not knowing how my life is going to look after May 7th.

I've talked to alot of people about the surgery. I found out I do have insurance until August 14th. I would still have to pay quite a bit out of pocket but I think it's worth it.

But then the trauma trip? It was brought to my attention by Dr. and Lady Keyes (who help head up the Trauma Team) that I could possibly still go on the trip. But then I'd have to raise $1500 on top of surgery finances. And then I don't like the thought of someone always having to carry my stuff around for me. I would LOVE to go but don't know if it's feasible. But then I have to decide by this weekend because they are purchasing tickets Monday. THE P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E!!!!!

The amount of support I have felt thus far has been mind blowing though. Friends that took time to speak into my life, people offering to help me after the surgery, my parents giving me their support and offering to help me anyway I can.

Then to add to my stress, I got a phone call from the homeowners of the house I live in who left a message stating they would like to speak to me about when I would be moving out of the house. I knew it was coming to a close, but was hoping to at least get through the surgery and into a job before that would happen.

I know God is with me, guiding my every step. My friend encouraged me that "God is in this" and indeed He has been in each and every step I have ever taken. And He's always provided for me. He is my provider. Past! Present! Future! I am trying to rest in that, but I admit to feeling anxious mostly about not knowing what is coming up! I may not know my future, but I know who holds it.